I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
Don't ask me what I am doing up at 5 in the morning.
Well, you can ask I guess. And Ill give you a brief synopsis: I've been waking up like this lately from weird or bad dreams, and not being able to go back to sleep.
In this dream, a lot of things were going on that I don't remember... but the last part was clear.
In my head, I could hear Tears for Fears "Mad World," in particular the lines,
"I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad,
the dreams in which I'm dying,
are the best I ever had.
I find it hard to tell you,
cause I find it hard to take
when people run in circles
It's a very very mad world."
Those are the lines I woke up to, which played as I opened my eyes. I find it kind of creepy. ;)
A man read a letter out loud. It could be a narrative in a play, or inside someone's head. It seemed fairly clear it was a letter. I think it was directed at me, but it could be just a coincidence - as if the letter struck chords with me that made me think it could be addressed to me, but instead written to someone else.
Ah, I remember. High school. Bizarre. The more I write, the more I remember.
All these girls were trying out for some song and dance, or cheerleader thing. We were in a valley of smooth black rock.
A few girls jumped higher than humanly possible as they practiced. I recognized one of them, a gorgeous girl who had been slightly overweight and lost the weight during the years at school. She was jumping higher than naturally possible, and she was singing. Her voice was so beautiful, and somehow heartbreaking.
I felt nervous at the idea of the hard rock that could so easily hurt the girls as they practiced if they made a false move.
A walkway led to a ledge on the sea. The sea did not extend forever, it was a cave, but it was clear the sea was connected.
I was relieved to see that there was no audience in the water, something that was the case with other walkways and ledges. (Huh?)
A woman with a bullhorn (ha, like Sue Sylvester!) shouted instructions to the girls on the ledge.
I knew these girls, they were familiar faces from middle and high school. The girls looked the same. I was the same. I felt sad for the girls because they looked relieved to be in a place with no audience either, and I knew what it felt like to not want anyone to see me slip up. Tayler and Tyler were there, and we were all the same age.
The girls tried steps on slick rock as water from the sea crashed against the walls of the rock and water splashed up onto the ledge. Among the girls, I tried to learn the steps, but all I could see was the steep drop ahead of me and how easily the wet rock could slip up my feet and down I would go.
We fell in. I was really scared as I fell. I could see Tayler swimming, and Tyler swam as well. They didn't appear frightened at all. Tayler was angry, or nervous. I couldn't tell which.
The woman directing the dance told me to climb out, and I was surprised to see stairs that led out of the water that I had not seen before.
As I straddled one step that was not aligned with the next- in fact it was very far to the left from the first... Tayler called out to me to check something. She was worried about someone else.
As I walked away from the ledge, instead of the walkway, there was now a gift shop full of useless knick knacks. Something caught my eye. I stopped to look at it, I considered buying it.
Instead I walked on. The narrative continued the entire time.
Thrifty
The twins and I headed to Ohio Thrift for a last minute bit of shopping Thursday night. They needed two sets of gym uniforms, and didn't have any suitable clothes that fit the dress code.
They were in prime humor, Tayler helping me look at some work clothes I was surprised to find would actually fit me, and both kids balking at the idea of a plain gray shirt (which is part of the dress code).
...
Tayler and I had a great banter going on while discussing the blazers rack.
"It's like, you wonder why anyone bought these clothes in the first place!" she said.
"Tayler, I can't decide," I said, holding up a jacket which had cool potential, but I wasn't sure it would look cool on me.
"Cool or not cool?" I said.
"Not cool," she said.
I couldn't help but notice the other shoppers in our vicinity chuckling to themselves as we talked back and forth.
...
Tyler, whose predisposition for fancy prom type dresses never has gone away, approached us with a dark red velvet dress with poofy sleeves several sizes too big for her.
"Mom," she said, "I was thinking I could wear this for Halloween."
"No."
"I can't wear this for Halloween?"
"I'm saying I'm not buying that."
"Maybe I could find a pretty skirt?" she asked.
"I don't know Tyler."
I am frequently in the position where I don't know how to tell Tyler gently that the clothes she is choosing are too expensive, AND not suitable for everyday wear. Of course, she never picks out anything but fancy dress. The girl was meant to be a princess. A princess who climbs trees, and takes risks and gets injured a lot... but still.
...
Meanwhile, Tayler found a black jacket good for work for me and decided I must try it on.
I had a bad feeling about the jacket as soon as I slid one arm into it. I was wearing a button up shirt that I rolled up at the sleeves, and the rolls of the shirt prevented the jacket from going on smoothly.
Tayler insisted I keep pulling it on, until both arms were stuck in the jacket.
"Tayler," I said, "This doesn't fit."
"Yes it does," she said, trying to button the front.
She stood pulling one button to the button hole on the other side, but not successfully getting anything to catch. Finally she gave up.
"Tayler," I said, thinking I might actually be stuck in the jacket, "how am I going to get this off? It's too tight!"
"It still looks awesome," she said.
I could not tell if she was serious or not. The jacket was so tight I couldn't quite breath comfortably.
The fact that she couldn't button the jacket was bothersome to me. I'm not THAT fat, I thought. To prove it, I buttoned it up, asking her if she had ever buttoned up a jacket before as she laughed.
"Mom," she said, a tinge of mischief in her eyes. "It's awesome."
"You've got to be joking!"
"No," she said, then turned me towards the guy who was waiting on his parents nearby in a lounge chair.
"Let's ask this guy!"
I could already see she planned to motion to him to agree with her, and I turned myself back. "Help me get this thing off!"
"I think you should wear it out of the store."
"You're a devil!"
...
We realized the shorts we were looking for were in the next aisle. Tayler exclaimed, "THERE THEY ARE!" and spread the clothes on our side of the aisle apart, reaching for the shorts on the other side.
I cracked up.
...
In the pants aisle, I found a glittered pair of pants with gold, pink and silver studs.
"Tayler, I found pants for you!"
For a moment, her face gave away her surprise and disgust.
Then she realized I was joking.
...
"Mom," Tayler asked, "If I throw up, do I have to go to school tomorrow?"
A woman in the next aisle choked back laughter.
"It depends," I said, "On whether you throw up on purpose or not."
"Nice try," the woman in the next aisle said.
...
In the checkout line, the kids were punching each other and laughing. Tayler included me by punching me in the chest, and I told her she better watch it.
"Tyler," she said, "Let's go out to the car!"
Tyler asked why.
"There's candy in the car!"
Tyler looked dubious.
"Isn't there mom?" Tayler asked.
"No."
"You're supposed to work with me."
"I was?"
...
As the cashier bagged our purchases, Tyler asked if she was a nice person.
"No," I said, laughing. "You're very disagreeable. You're mean, you hit old ladies, and you never share."
We laughed at how outrageous that statement was, and headed to the car.
Just because I'm losing... doesn't mean I'm lost
This afternoon I saw the podiatrist again. The results of my MRI were that I likely have nerve damage in my right foot. The doctor assured me that surgery was his last option, and that an insert for my shoes and new shoes that are made to allow for more space for toes would hopefully address the pain I am in.
Every time I go in, he presses on the nerves to check them, and for the rest of the day they ache.
Today, he gave me a numbing agent and a cortisone shot to reduce the inflamed area. I watched the doctor do the two injections but had to stop as the needle pierced the bundle of nerves because there was a popping feeling, and a distinct sting that made me want to pull my foot away.
The left foot is in a similar state, just not nearly as bad thanks to prior surgery.
The next option is to inject the nerves with alcohol to kill them. I'm relieved. Healing from the surgery on my left foot was hard, but I can't really imagine not being able to walk well, and unable to drive for a month.
The numbing agent made the padding of my foot under the meta-tarsels feel like it wasn't there, except I could still feel the pressure as I walked when the nerves rubbed against the bones in my feet, which was partly gross, and partly uncomfortable.
Now my foot is just aching. I feel like I can't put any pressure on it. So I've been limping around all night.
School Tomorrow
The twins start school tomorrow. Of course, that means we are still up at 10:45 with various emergencies. Lordy.
Suddenly, I found productivity hiding under my couch. I reorganized my purse, my work back, a bunch of paper work... crossed a LOT of things off my task list...
Lunches are packed, bags are ready, and aside from taking Tyler to the doctor first thing in the morning- I think it will be a normal and smooth day.
Update: Oh, except Tayler can't remember her combination to her lock. She knows the numbers, but not the order, and I have NEVER been able to use combination locks.
Combination locks are Carina-proof.
Everything is Relative
It was a good day. I like the project, I like the people I am working with, and it is really interesting to put the pieces of a puzzle together this way.
The kids have been so sweet this week.
Yesterday Tayler made my lunch, helped me pick out an outfit, and reminded me to go to bed early.
Today, I came home to a clean house. Tyler worked all day doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, cleaning... it was such a nice way to come home. She made dinner too!
Both girls were in such lovely moods.
I'm heading to bed early. Feeling a dark mood coming on, and the best I can do is just sleep it off. It won't last long, and with so many good things in my life, I can't imagine it will be very intense either.
Thoughts on Today
Just a few thoughts on my first day of this project that I am SO looking forward to working on. It's an official role much better suited to me than usual projects, and full of meeting and discussing things with people. What could be more perfect for an ENFP?
Fixed my glasses last night, finally. They rest where they are supposed to. Cool.
Couldn't sleep last night, woke up every hour to check the time. Can't remember the last time that happened- maybe before we moved?
Getting dressed this morning was fun. Being unembarrassed (or less embarrassed) of how I look goes such a long way.
Tayler made me lunch for today. All healthy stuff. She also left me a note on the fridge. I'll take a picture before I leave.
See you on the flip side.
Misunderstood
Ah yeah... Alright... Truth hurts, inside.
Ah yeah... Alright... You go round once, in life.
....
She's not crazy, just a little misunderstood.
Time passes so quickly. All I can say is that so much has happened!
I lost about 45 pounds. I am now 4 clothes sizes less than when I arrived in USA. It probably has a lot to do with eating less, walking more, and being depressed but totally in denial about it for some of the time.
So much has been picking up in my life that I am realizing how much I was missing that stuff in the first place.
I'm a natural extrovert, so when I was spending a lot of time on my own- of course I felt my energy draining. It didn't occur to me at the time.
Now that I have something to do nearly every day, and I start a great project tomorrow, I'm feeling pretty good.
I started dating towards the end of July. It's been interesting for sure. I've met some really interesting people, and some people who were interesting in such a way that I'd rather not explore that further at all. The whole dating thing is a bit strange.
I'm that weirdo that likes interviews, and dates are just a glorified interview- at least the first ones- so it makes sense I would enjoy them. I do, for the most part. Except the crazy ones, or the ones where I feel I could be a rock for all that the other person would care considering how little I get to participate in the conversation.
I've been thinking of a new book idea about bad dates. I think it would be fun.
I've made new friends. I've started a new Internationals Group because I just can't stand another moment without something like that here.
I miss my friends in Sweden so much. Especially best friend Paul. I miss my Internationals group. I miss the bus, and the train, and spending evenings downtown walking to different places. Gustaf Adolph's Square and the fountains. Really, too many things to count. Makes me get a little teary eyed.
Speaking of Paul- brother Paul attempted the Burning River Race in Cuyahoga Falls not too long ago. He made it 70 miles, which is practically impossible for me to conceive, only to have to stop due to a knee injury. I miss that guy, but he has a love interest in his life now, so I suppose I will be seeing even less of him than before.
I've decided I don't want to own a house. Or a condo. I want to own an apartment. They are putting up a lot of places for sale around town that look nice. Someday I'd like to move into one of those. Especially near places I could walk to for most of my needs. This driving thing was fun at first, but it's not always very convenient.
So tired. Should hit the hay. I have so much to talk about, and it's so hard to pick and choose and summarize. More on career stuff and education stuff and cool experiences and more later.
A Terrible Accident
Samoa, as we have come to call the sweet German Shephard mix we rescued, stood at my door, waiting.
At 6:15, worried about the kids getting to school on time, I stumbled out of my room.
Then I saw this:
I said, "What is this?" to no one in particular. Samoa pushed her nose in my face, and tried to lie down on the white beads. I pushed her away, looking at the them.
I asked Tyler if there was anything chewed on in her room, where the path of beads led. She picked up her Frog, but he was not wounded.
I had a sinking feeling, when I traced the white beads to where Tyler's beloved Bunny sat, propped up against the wall. Bunny, whom Tyler has kept since she was 3 or 4, sat as if nothing was wrong.
Upon closer examination, I saw that Samoa tore her at the bottom, and the beads were leaking out.
Tyler wailed. "What happened to her eye?
Yes, not only had Bunny's guts been chewed out, but also her eye.
I held Tyler while she cried. Samoa looked guiltily at us both. I explained to Samoa the importance of Bunny. She jumped up on the bed, and cuddled up to Tyler.
"Samoa feels bad, Tyler."
"She does?"
"When I saw the beads, she was trying to cover the evidence."
I went outside Tyler's door to examine the beads. Samoa kept trying to cover it up. I realized that AFTER chewing Bunny, Samoa must have placed Bunny upright, in a sitting position against the wall.
Bunny lies in critical condition.
Yet, she still manages to smile.
Tyler took it all very well. We joked a lot about the incident. Best jokes:
"We're going to have to push Bunny's innards back in like Millicent*!"
"Bunny's going to need a patch for her eye. She's going to look bad-ass!"
*Remind me to tell you the story of Millicent later.
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers
Since the weather is so nice, we're going to fire up the grill (that we got off Freecycle) and make some hamburgers.
My parents are heading over to enjoy a late afternoon/early evening meal.
In the meantime, we're going to correct some of the craziness in the house resulting from our hasty departure to my cousin Holly's wedding shower. (I spent nearly an hour searching for my keys only to discover the kids had them in the car so they could listen to music on the car's stereo.)
Which reminds me, I have a running car! The window was stuck in one position, unable to roll up or down when we got it, meaning that we had to tape it shut on rainy days, but it was fixed last week. The urgency for fixing came on an especially hot day when I untaped the window and it slowly dropped to nearly completely open with no recourse. Ack!
My computer is now in worse condition than ever, forever cycling to try to update to the next critical update for Windows but never completing. This is probably the worst thing, since it means there is no chance of retrieving the important files from it. The USB ports stopped working before this happened, so I couldn't transfer to those, but I was hoping to pull the data over the network to the kids' computer.
Now I have hijacked Tyler's computers and we have had to start some new rules. I've noticed since we got home to Columbus, there has been a lot of TV and computer time prioritized over more important things like keeping the house picked up and getting homework done. This is convenient, in one sense, because now it gives me a push to start limiting it- not just because of the work I need to do on SOME computer - but because it's a great incentive to accomplish other things to earn the computer and TV time.
The twins let me sleep in until like 11:30 this morning. Super nice. The rest of day will be fabulous, I can feel it.
I like the quote that titles this post. It's from a Jewish Proverb. It shows the importance of the role mothers play- and all parents for that matter.
