Up So Close

Sing Song

I often wake up in the morning, realizing that a single song permeated all of my dreams throughout the night.

The song is still playing in my head, and as the dreams fade, I realize the song usually has nothing to do with the dreams I had.

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams where I am in high school.

Last night I was at the senior prom (funny, I graduated my junior year so I never went to senior prom), and there was some drama between people I had crushes on throughout the years. I don't recall any of the details, only that I was in high school, at a dance, and my cousins were there?

The song stuck in my head when I woke up was "Hungry Eyes" by Eric Carmen.

I know that song was featured in Dirty Dancing, and Dirty Dancing was on the film channel here in Sweden a few nights ago. The weird thing is that I didn't watch it past the first few scenes. Hungry Eyes shows up when Baby is learning to dance, and I didn't get that far before we shut the TV off.

The other night I was dreaming about a kid with whom I had a conflict in elementary school, but we were in high school when I was thinking about it. We were also at a dance (recurring theme?), and sitting at a table while others were dancing. Throughout the evening during conversation with our table mates, this guy was constantly putting me down. Everyone left to go dance, but we stayed.

I turned to him and said: "Look, I know we don't get along, but we really must..."

At which point I woke myself up because I was talking in my sleep. Mattias asked me what I had said because he was already up checking the news on the computer. I tried to explain the dream, but the actual details faded fast.

I'm wondering what the significance of the recurring theme of high school and dances are.

For me, high school was an agonizing time; each day felt like eternity. I was so shy, and I was perceived as so "stuck up" that I really didn't make any connections with anyone in high school, nor did I hang with a specific crowd of people. There were a few occasions where I spent some time with people who seemed to tolerate me- a few being in freshman year, and one in sophomore year. Once I was invited to a party with people who had long ago been my friends in elementary school- but I spent the whole time sitting in a corner feeling like crying.

I made a few attempts to make friends, but they were short lived- either that person was too busy with other things, or they somehow betrayed my trust, or they got angry at me for something...

I remember spending many hours closed up in my room crying because I was so miserable and depressed. I had a mini recorder I used for recording interviews I did with the school paper, and I recorded myself a few times. I tried to listen to the tapes years later, but I couldn't stand it.

I can't say what kind of person I was then. I don't think I was very likable- I was so caught up in my own fears and anxieties, and so sad and lonely that I can't imagine I was good company. I don't really remember the things I thought about, or the opinions I had, except to say I was desperate to get out on my own, away from high school, and away from the town I lived in.

The dance theme seems odd too. I think I went to two dances total in high school. Those events were also painful and scary for me because everyone seemed to have friends surrounding them, and I only had Bill with me, or a few people who talked to me at one point but moved on to other things during the course of the evening.

I remember longing to dance, and feeling so paralyzed by the thought of being exposed out on the dance floor. It wasn't that I thought everyone was looking at me. It was more that I knew everyone wasn't looking at me, and if I made a fool of myself, then they WOULD look at me, and that seemed the worst sort of embarrassment.

Right before I left for Sweden, I went to what would have been my 10 year high school reunion (I graduated a year early, as I said above). It was a disaster.

I had this idea in my head that people would see me for who I really am while I was at the event, but it ended up being high school all over again, and the only people who talked to me were spouses of students who had attended school with me.

The beer was terrible, and I had double drink tickets because my ex and I were just breaking up at the time and the organizing committee just gave me both sets. I bought a bunch of shots, and ended up getting really drunk and feeling stupid for even going to the thing in the first place.

It was foolish to think I would connect with people I never connected with in the first place. It was also an odd thing to think that people would be interested in talking with me when they had other people to reminisce with whom they actually spent time with in high school.

So why the high school theme? Why the dances?

You got me. I have no idea.

• carina's blog
• 1 comment
•